Being Lost



There are some days where everything just seems to go wrong and I dramatise my existence as a whole. It’s in days like these that I like to put my life in perspective. I sit in my mat, I move, I breathe, and I go deep, I ask myself; why do all of this bothers me? Does it really seem so important? What is it that I truly want? What is it that makes me so angry about this? And in the midst of chaos, I get some kind of answer… What I truly want is connection. Connection within myself, and with the whole. What I want is to be available, open. What I want is to make a difference somehow for someone, especially for my family and friends and people that surround me. I want to help them grow and sustain themselves. I also want to save the Ocean and the Earth and help everyone. I just want to do so many contrary things that I feel divided. I don’t know how to deal with this right now… But I guess it’s ok to be lost sometimes… even though my ‘sometimes’ seems to be for many years now. Maybe being lost is my path. Maybe this is just the way things are meant to be for me. Maybe it’s all my choice and has always been. Maybe deep inside my only wish forever is to BE LOST. That way I can always have something to search for. I always ponder this idea, because it always comes back to me in deep meditation and in dreams. My true life passion has always been to search. I want to search and re-search and know everything. And because knowing is eternal, I always will be a searcher. Searching for what? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter as long as the search continues. This is my wish and my curse.