Happy for others

To genuinely be happy for others. How do you feel about this? I’ve been thinking and analysing it in myself lately, still letting go of old beliefs. 

When I was very young, I remember the feeling of envy and/or jealousy would haunt me many times, especially the exact feeling that others were ‘stealing’ ‘my’ dreams. It didn’t matter if those ‘others’ were people close to me that I loved. 

I remember lying in bed thinking deeply about this when I was a teenager. I was angry at myself because I felt incapable of feeling genuinely happy for others. I thought there had to be something wrong with me, and I wanted to force myself to feel another way. But I couldn’t truly lie to myself. I knew. I always knew. So I just hid it and suffered in silence, first because of the thought of someone else achieving something I desperately wanted, and second degree suffering when I punished myself for feeling. 

Many years after, I look back at this and I am surprised that I haven’t truly felt envy or jealousy in a very very long time. In those moments I thought that was how I would always feel, always chasing after a dream only to see others achieve it, so I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted to be the first one, or really, I just wanted to be different or special. 

Now I understand. I see things with the  perspective that only time can give. Those feelings stopped chasing me the minute I stopped looking outside for what I wanted. The moment I let go of the expectation of how my life should look like (because I had planned it all when I was a kid and I always used to follow through all my plans). The moment I just let myself truly feel and be, I understood we all have our own way. No comparisons necessarily, only support. We all deserve to be true to ourselves, or at least deserve the opportunity to try. 

Now, when I see others happy, I am truly happy. When I see others suffering, I truly want to be there for them if they need me. And when I see someone chasing their dreams with all their willpower and love, I cannot but look in admiration and support.