I need to let go

When I was a little girl, I was physically punished/abused many years by my caretakers/nannies.

I was so terrified of the consequences that I never told my parents, or anyone, except for one of my sisters, who is only a year younger than me and suffered the same fate. We were so afraid of telling anyone. That experience has shaped us and brought us so close.

Everyday at night, those ladies used to ask us “what did you do wrong today?” assuming and making us look for something “bad” we had done and then punish us accordingly by hitting us in different ways.

For a very long time I thought I was over this. I thought I didn’t have any traumas, or anything. I thought I was already passed that point. But I guess some memories are coming back to me now for a reason. To heal.

When I was 9 something happened in me and my fear of them turned into rage and I exploded confessing everything to one of my best friends who was older than me, and she took action by telling her mom, my mom, and those nannies were vanished from our house and lives forever.

But the pain from that experience I am sure lives in all of us involved still.

Like my fear. Like my rage. Like my guilt.

I do not know how I have only realised now, when I am almost 32, that this is one of the biggest reasons I am how I am.

This is why I like limits, and laws, and rules of behaviour because it makes me feel safe that if I am “good” and “perfect” inside what is asked of me, I will not be punished.

This is why I am incapable of reacting to things not going the way I want with nothing else but frustration and anger. Because I am terrified. Terrified that if I am not “a good girl” something horrible is going to happen to me or the ones I love. Like my sister. I was supposed to save her, protect her, and I just kept silent.

This is why I have so much guilt and shame. I feel so ashamed I didn’t say anything.

Working with my Shadow has opened up a whole new level of understanding for me. I still don’t know what to do about all this, but I am happy I see it. Even if I am opening the wound a bit, I need to see deeper, I need to know, to feel.

I need to let go.