Longing

Roman Aqueduct of Nikopolis

I’ve always wanted what I didn’t have. More information, more knowledge, more diplomas, more books, more experience… a future something I could only imagine. If I was cold, I wanted the heat. If I was moving, I wanted to settle. If I had a house, I wanted a boat. If I was at the beach, I wanted the mountains. If I was happy, I wanted suffering.

I’ve also always wanted what had already gone. A moment lost in the past. An idea of the past that from the present view felt so comforting and idealised. A longing so deep for a time that was, before, long ago. But never truly was, because at that moment, I wasn’t even there. I was lost in another time, in another space, made of fragments of broken images of where I thought I was. Of who I thought I was.

I couldn’t find a way to be present with what is without thinking about something to come, or something that was long gone. I’ve always had a sense of an unrealised longing waiting to burst forth just from my desire. And worse than that, I couldn’t accept that desire alone couldn’t instantly be fulfilled just by feeling it.

This state of being was eating away my life by not living it. I could only think life, imagine life, live an unreal, unlived life through the making of my mind, which many times I confused with my heart. But the voice of the soul is a relentless whisper that flows in an unstoppable course until the ocean of Being. And so one day, the river became a torrent so strong it overflowed, destroying even my sense of “I”.

It took me a very long time, more than a decade of conscious inner view to recognise this pattern of running away from myself, only to find my own reflection in everything I encountered. And it took me even longer, to recognise that my reflection wasn’t even mine at all, but the light of life itself shining forth through me, through everyone and everything that crossed my path. I was that reflection itself, nothing less, nothing more. An ordinary spark of light glistening through the waves of the great ocean of time.