I dwell in the memories
of words never spoken.
I am the meaning of
All that Is.
I live without ever being seen.
I Die, only to live again forever.
I live through the deepest
knowing; I am here.
I exist in the deepest corner
of Emptiness.
I am in every You, you run away from.
I am in every Me I fear to Be.
.
I Am.
This emptiness fills me.
The longing for meaning,
for something timeless,
for truth,
for the eternal embrace of
freedom from fear,
longing for the source of everything
fuels my existence.
If the search ends
what is left?
.
Nothing.
.
Not my identity.
Not me.
.
Only emptiness.
.
Emptiness.
…
The path to peace isn’t really in the longing, in the search, in the looking outward for anything. I am aware of this. I know. The path to peace is letting go of the things that obscure our vision from seeing clearly that peace is already here, was always here, within us. There is Nothing to search for, only if like me, the essence of that Emptiness you always find by looking outwards fuels your passion and existence in this life.
I am not here to tell you what to do.
I am not here to tell you how to be you.
I am not here to lead you anywhere.
I am not here to judge you.
I am not here to heal you.
.
I am here as a reflection of you.
I am here as a mirror.
I am here to learn from you.
I am here to learn from me reflected on you.
I am here to Be.
I am.
Photo by me in South Africa
When I was a little girl, I was physically punished/abused many years by my caretakers/nannies.
I was so terrified of the consequences that I never told my parents, or anyone, except for one of my sisters, who is only a year younger than me and suffered the same fate. We were so afraid of telling anyone. That experience has shaped us and brought us so close.
Everyday at night, those ladies used to ask us “what did you do wrong today?” assuming and making us look for something “bad” we had done and then punish us accordingly by hitting us in different ways.
For a very long time I thought I was over this. I thought I didn’t have any traumas, or anything. I thought I was already passed that point. But I guess some memories are coming back to me now for a reason. To heal.
When I was 9 something happened in me and my fear of them turned into rage and I exploded confessing everything to one of my best friends who was older than me, and she took action by telling her mom, my mom, and those nannies were vanished from our house and lives forever.
But the pain from that experience I am sure lives in all of us involved still.
Like my fear. Like my rage. Like my guilt.
I do not know how I have only realised now, when I am almost 32, that this is one of the biggest reasons I am how I am.
This is why I like limits, and laws, and rules of behaviour because it makes me feel safe that if I am “good” and “perfect” inside what is asked of me, I will not be punished.
This is why I am incapable of reacting to things not going the way I want with nothing else but frustration and anger. Because I am terrified. Terrified that if I am not “a good girl” something horrible is going to happen to me or the ones I love. Like my sister. I was supposed to save her, protect her, and I just kept silent.
This is why I have so much guilt and shame. I feel so ashamed I didn’t say anything.
Working with my Shadow has opened up a whole new level of understanding for me. I still don’t know what to do about all this, but I am happy I see it. Even if I am opening the wound a bit, I need to see deeper, I need to know, to feel.
I need to let go.
Photo of me in South Africa
Road trips always remind me of life itself.
.
Maybe it is such a cliche, but still rings true for me. Not knowing where the road will take us each day, but knowing our final destination we keep going forward. Life also has a very distinct ‘destination’ although I only believe that to be a new beginning.
.
Death.
.
Here it is again.
Always accompanying my thoughts. Always by my side reminding me of the fleeting nature of existence, of reality itself. So why hold on too tightly to any one opinion/idea/dream?
If even the whole time-space-continuum is only an eternal change process?
.
A transformation process that exists for us because we can perceive it.
I am still blown away by this fact, even after so much time.
What we perceive is our reality.
Our perspective.
Our point of view.
Our truth.
Our lives.
.
How are you observing all this? Do you see it too? How does it make you feel that we cannot hold onto anything as universal truth/beauty/goodness that so many philosophers and sages pinpointed as the essence of man and life?
.
For me it is simple to say and understand: the only essence ever is change itself. Without change nothing exists. Without movement the stillness is truly eternal. If the pendulum doesn’t swing, it is dead steady in the centre. I am afraid of this centre sometimes. Afraid of this eternal stillness.
.
What I find difficult is gaining relief from this perspective. For now, it gives me anxiety. For now, I still find the need in me to be right, to fight my arguments, to defend my opinions, to defend all of my tiny and stupid life choices. Looking for validation. But from who? Why? We are all in this together. And I am getting so tired of myself trying too hard for something I know deep inside doesn’t fulfil me at all.
.
One of my main discoveries in this trip is that ‘being tired’ obscures my ‘being afraid’. Physically, being sleepy in a car or plane makes me forget the fear I feel in these transports. Maybe I can use this info now to transmute my fear of letting go. Maybe being tired is a great first step.
Maybe you will also follow me along this path until we find out…
Journey To The Self - Viaje Hacia El Ser 