Journey To The Self – Viaje Hacia El Ser

Category: Reflections

  • Five Years On The Road 

    Photo of me

    “Todo cambia, nada permanece. Lo que hoy es blanco, mañana se torna negro por obra y gracia del tiempo. Todo cambia, nada permanece. Cuando te enamoras, o cuando alguien te asombra, lo haces ante una persona que es el hoy, y mañana es otra, como tú mismo. Todo cambia, nada permanece. Cada vino tiene su año y su cosecha, cada fruta, su estación. Todo es relativo, nada es seguro. Y el mundo es una consecuencia de que nada en el acontecer humano es eterno” Heráclito de Efeso.
    Hoy, hace 5 años dejé Madrid con ninguna idea en mente sobre qué me depararía el futuro… Y… Aquí sigo!
    Sigo con la mente abierta a lo que venga, sin saber si echaré o no raíces pronto, si seguiré buscando algo fuera de mí misma, si la felicidad de verdad es algo que se busca y encuentra, o algo que se vive en cada instante; no sé nada, y por una vez ese NO saber sabe a Libertad, sabe a posibilidades infinitas.
    Ya no tengo miedo porque sé que tengo las capacidades necesarias para adaptarme en el instante presente a lo que la Vida me traiga, y si no, aprendo! Qué hay más bello que el aprendizaje eterno?
    Para mí, nada más. Siempre seré una estudiante, de la vida, de mí misma. Gracias a todos los que haceis posible mi felicidad. Os quiero!

    🕉️🕉️🕉️🕉️🕉️🕉️

    On the road… Still… Today, 5 years since I left my home and my career and my life as I knew it. And now, I still know nothing, and not knowing, is the greatest gift of all! It tastes like infinite possibilities, it’s the taste of Freedom! Thank you all who make my happiness possible. I love you!

  • Quantum Mechanics 

    Art by me

    “A change of meaning is necessary to change this world politically, economically and socially. But that change must begin with the individual; it must change for him… If meaning is a key part of reality, then, once society, the individual and relationships are seen to mean something different a fundamental change has taken place.” David Bohm, father of quantum mechanics.

    ✨

    This just popped up like a memory I shared on FB 4 years ago. My dad is a mathematician and a physicist (theoretical, quantum and nuclear) so I pretty much grew up for the first 9 years of my life hearing his ideas… and thinking they were crazy and that science was stupid and difficult and not for me. Bed time stories about astrophysics? No, thanks. So I ran away as much as I could from them, ended up leaving to Spain with my mom and sisters when they separated, and went into uni to study art, history, religion, philosophy, anthropology… thinking that the answers about life that I seek would be better explained to myself in stories and myths and especially symbols. And I wasn’t completely wrong, but I was closed minded.

    ✨

    Throwback a few years after starting my degree and I found an article about quantum mechanics, and I was instantly hooked. Bohm, Bohr, Einstein, Shrodinger, Heisenberg…. Maybe the timing was correct then, and I felt regret for not picking my dad’s brain for many lost years, and living far away from him, I felt stupid. I realised what he always told me was that philosophy really was the base of science; the need and desire to explain where we came from, where are we going. Why.

    ✨

    Now I call him much more about this. I send him questions, he sends me books to read, and I am happy I can now have something more to add to my journey of research. Because that’s what I truly am; a researcher, a journeyer, and that is my path. Thanks dad for having your brain and letting me see a bit into it.

  • Recollection 

    Art by me

    🍃September: Recollection🌿
    Back to sharing my monthly themes to work on. I wrote one theme down intuitively for each month of the year on January, and now in perspective I can see how they have made so much sense.

    After July and August working on Giving and Receiving, I am back to a place of observing from a distance my own life.

    Since 2012 everything has shifted completely. From a steady and controlled routine, to a nomadic lifestyle. From an inner turmoil of wanting to be free and just go, to another inner turmoil for wanting to find my place in the world. To find my place in myself. To find acceptance in myself. To stop obsessing so much over perfection and joining my outer movements of following wherever the heart leads.

    A lot of people who know me have told me how brave I am to live how I do, but in truth, I am a coward. I live how I do because I am confused, because my inner voice gets constantly hidden by other voices and I just run and run hoping that if I move quickly enough I won’t hear them.

    How I love to blame others instead of taking responsibility. That’s why this is what bothers me the most in everyone else, because it’s a reflection of myself.

    And I am done. It’s time to listen, to recollect all I have experienced and learnt and let myself guide myself. I am done putting roadblocks on my own path home. I understand many things with my mind, but it’s time I let my heart truly know that it’s ok. That nothing is ever perfect. And that that exactly is the beauty of it all…

    It takes time to love oneself enough, even if it ‘shouldn’t’ be that way… I am willing to give myself that time and space now.

  • Let it be and let it go

    Photo by me in Gran Canaria

    A part of me is dying, and it hurts. Letting go of layers of beliefs that are drowning me. But the greatest feeling lurking behind is relief. Behind all the anger, the rage of unfelt understanding, of words blowing away in the wind for no one to listen to, or worst, to be ignored… Worst for my mind, my ego, the “me” I made myself to be. Behind all that my mind likes to categorise and put in boxes for me to relate to, thinking it is me, behind this great illusion of needing validation apart from the true source within, behind everything lies stillness and peace. I watch from behind “myself” the chaos of my being disintegrating. And I let it break. I let it slowly die of starvation. I will not feed it fear anymore. Because I’m tired. So so tired. Watching it at the same time as “I” react in it. Witness and actor all the same… The play, the illusion, the game… The spectator… All the same… It’s all Her. Eternity making shapes… What more is there really than to just let it be? Let it be, and let it go. Whatever is, is. I trust I’ll have the courage and enough discernment to stay aware… To remember. To be.

  • Aware

    Art by me​

    More than ever I trust that life is a constant flux, always and forever in motion. Death is just another word for change. We cannot know death to be true until experienced. The body dies, but life is eternal. We cannot stop life, we cannot therefore stop death. But we can be aware of living, aware of changing, aware of this fact. And to be aware, only that simple thing, is all I ever want. To always be aware.

    As long as there is something to cure, there will be an illness. As long as there is something to look for, the search will never end. What if what I truly already know, is already all to be known? Then, what else can there be? I can’t stop pondering the question of my purpose, of purpose itself…. Maybe not-knowing is actual Wisdom. Just living in the void. The darkness I face when I arrive at the distinct moment of realisation that maybe, there is nothing left to search for… For now, what I feel is panic when faced with this… Breathing through each moment as a gift in time and space for me to be aware. Only that for now, to be aware…