Tag: Reflections

Photo by me

Anger, of all emotions, is my go-to re-action. Frustration and anger are both the greyness that cloud my judgement sometimes.

Something in me is triggered and jumps at the opportunity to be ‘right’, to ‘win’, to be seen, heard, and especially, to be taken seriously.

And I think at last after so many years I just realised why.
Anger has a way of giving us false clarity of mind.

Anger gives us a purpose towards which to direct our internal emotions, gives us a false purpose blinding us instantly to what is truly happening.

Anger gives me a life jacket to which I can hold on when I ‘think’/’imagine’/’see through anger’ that the world is against me. It makes my reaction ‘valuable’ because I am ‘fighting’ for something.

Now that I see it this way, it makes sense it’s the emotion I carry as my shadow. My longing in my heart is all about finding a reason, a purpose for my existence. Why am I here? Again and again, I don’t understand,  I don’t know.

Can’t wait for the next time anger builds up in me so I can observe, experiment and research more. I believe this is an important step towards my own growth, and although I still feel stupid for having my anger reactions for so many years, now I have another way to direct my energy to studying myself again and again.

+++ Reading the book ‘All the Rage’; various authors write about anger and acceptance from Buddhism’s perspective and it has been helping me a lot. I cannot believe I haven’t tackled my anger until now! +++

What is real?

Are we all just trying so hard to be ‘real’ we become mere puppets of our own limiting beliefs?
Do we know what we really want? 
Or do we want what we always wanted because we haven’t really asked ourselves the question lately?
What if we observed our lives as they are, our dreams as they are, our beliefs as they are, and discovered they aren’t ours anymore?
Is it us who change? Or the dream? The belief? All of it? Nothing? Maybe just different ways of ‘seeing’?
Late at night, emptying my brain from questions here so I can sleep. Goodnight world! 

Photo by me in Vietnam

To genuinely be happy for others. How do you feel about this? I’ve been thinking and analysing it in myself lately, still letting go of old beliefs.

When I was very young, I remember the feeling of envy and/or jealousy would haunt me many times, especially the exact feeling that others were ‘stealing’ ‘my’ dreams. It didn’t matter if those ‘others’ were people close to me that I loved.

I remember lying in bed thinking deeply about this when I was a teenager. I was angry at myself because I felt incapable of feeling genuinely happy for others. I thought there had to be something wrong with me, and I wanted to force myself to feel another way. But I couldn’t truly lie to myself. I knew. I always knew. So I just hid it and suffered in silence, first because of the thought of someone else achieving something I desperately wanted, and second degree suffering when I punished myself for feeling.

Many years after, I look back at this and I am surprised that I haven’t truly felt envy or jealousy in a very very long time. In those moments I thought that was how I would always feel, always chasing after a dream only to see others achieve it, so I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted to be the first one, or really, I just wanted to be different or special.

Now I understand. I see things with the  perspective that only time can give. Those feelings stopped chasing me the minute I stopped looking outside for what I wanted. The moment I let go of the expectation of how my life should look like (because I had planned it all when I was a kid and I always used to follow through all my plans). The moment I just let myself truly feel and be, I understood we all have our own way. No comparisons necessarily, only support. We all deserve to be true to ourselves, or at least deserve the opportunity to try.

Now, when I see others happy, I am truly happy. When I see others suffering, I truly want to be there for them if they need me. And when I see someone chasing their dreams with all their willpower and love, I cannot but look in admiration and support.

​”The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” Albert Camus.
I’ve been thinking about freedom lately and what that might mean for me now, revisiting old beliefs and questioning everything I think.
To be aware of every moment, of my thoughts, my feelings, my patterns, my shadow, my breath, my body… To be totally immersed in the stillness between the thought and the action. To make decisions from a place of honesty with myself, aware of causes and consequences… Just to be aware. It’s all I want. And even that is a desire, an obstacle, but here I am right now. That’s what freedom means for me. 

Photo by me in Vietnam

Endings and beginnings.

I love the moments of transition between the dissolution of something and the non-yet materialisation of possibilities. I love that space, it gives me a sense of freedom nothing else really can.

That’s why it is so easy for me to quit or end something and start something else, but always passing through a middle transition, the void between two points. And I love being there imagining and planning and organising my strategic ways of letting go, and of being disciplined. That balance between flowing with the current, but also knowing how to use the wind in your sails…

The year is coming to an end, at least in this calendar. But there are always endings and beginnings. Every single breath is a beautiful metaphor of all existence.
Diving within myself to retreat in the emptiness of this moment, this transition, this void. See you on the other side.