Category: Reflections

There’s this endless sensation in the centre of my heart of wanting complete, absolute, wild freedom, and at the same time, a bottomless pit of despair for having to part with the known into the vast terrain of the unknown.

When I breathe into the depths of silence, I can hear what is concealed behind the walls of doing, in the vast waters of being, of Soul.

There, I can feel a known companion that has been with me ever since I can remember: fear. The fear of the inevitability of impermanence.

Paradoxically, while in a state of meditation the other night, playing into Her dance, She showed me something, revealed something to me. I was looking back consciously into memories of my past where I felt strong, fierce, courageous, brave. Feeling it in my veins and my bones, in my cells and in my breath. And there it was. Underneath all that fierce strength, lied dormant my companion, fear. It’s always there, it has always been there, not stopping me, as my mind wanted me to think, but pushing me forwards, sustaining my ability to discern when to fight and when to let go and surrender.

In a second that felt like eternity I integrated this knowledge, I instantly knew not to run away again from fear, but to embrace it, as my underlying superpower.

I had a moment of great realisation, even after almost 20 years of practice I am grateful there are new messages coming through, there will always be new messages if I just allow them to come through.

This knowledge is definitely devotion. Thank you Durga-Kali-Chandi for having always held space for fierce compassion and love. I now understand the voice of my soul in a new light.

Jai Mā! 🔻🔱🔥

I have been quiet lately over here, not writing or sharing much, and believe it or not, not reading “much” either (my typical 3 books a week has gone down to 1…). I am in a state of just being with what is, and most of the time, what is, is opening a new perspective of looking at how I deal with life and myself. I try to repeat old known comfortable patterns, especially in uncomfortable situations, even if they aren’t useful to me anymore, but the sea and its rhythm is a strict guide and won’t let me be who I “think” I should be, but obliges me to just Be.

My need for control has had to surrender to the changing cycles of its own timings. Weather patterns have me melting into submission. I can’t even think anymore, which is where I relied most of my “value”.

When we are stripped down to our own emptiness, something amazing happens. In the abyss of powerlessness we find a new spark that lights a new way of finding and feeling the ground we stand on and the roots that hold us down. That spark for me has been acceptance. Acceptance of a situation I can’t change, even if I tried really hard to think my way through it, has showed me acceptance of the process my psyche goes through on ITS OWN timing, and not the timing “i” want. Or at least that “i” that is the maker of many fake identities I attach “my”Self to, probably because of that inherent fear of disappearing into the oblivion that is to know the One.

Maybe all this won’t make any sense to many, but I now feel that in this chaotic container of not trying to “understand” and “think”, I swim in a newfound sense of freedom. And I repeat to myself, it’s ok things have evolved, it’s ok I will never be the person I thought I would be at this stage of my life, it’s ok I didn’t pursue my other dreams of other forgotten lives and expectations so far off from where I am, because my true value, and my peace and happiness, can never be attached to an external ever changing circumstance.

Value resides in knowing that whoever we are is enough in every moment. Whatever our timing in life, it is always the correct one. Now I feel what acceptance is, even if I don’t understand, and that’s ok too. Peace resides in accepting what is. And happiness, well, happiness for me is to have freedom and feel free to live it all completely immersed on life’s up and downs. The darkness and the light always playing and dancing in my heart.

It’s all the same, and at the same time it is not.

From the chaotic well of inconcieved and formless world of inner knowing, words trickle out of my being, into my body, out into the world.

The sensation that there is a depth so unknown it becomes somehow my nature; the Void.

A need, so deep within, that only finds its expression without. Reflection of the source only known through outer mirrors.

The paradox of being, only while becoming.

What is this need of desiring the fullness of experience to know oneself through the world?

Isn’t it the same longing that creates it all?

The sacredness of the divine unknown, making itself known, because it wants to know?

Knowing itself through becoming?

The one in the many, and the many in the one?

Words are also symbols of the soul, rearranged in eternal change.

It’s all the same, and at the same time it is not.

What peace at last to feel the one without fear of losing it in the many. It’s just waves in an ocean, or a sparkle of light bursting forth from a great sun reflected in the water.

I breathe at last above the water, and also in its depths.

There is no way to separate myself from water, or light, there is no way to not be breath itself, life itself.

There is a feeling of great calm after every storm, but there is also peace in the storm itself.

It’s all the same, and at the same time it is not.

Light and Shadow… Sun and Moon…

Life lately speaks in great Duality.

Felt in the senses. Breathed in the Soul.

The more I dive into the experiential, the deeper I travel into eternity.

Who would have thought that one who loved the straight line, the limitations of drawers, shelves, boxes, would enjoy the freeflow of Time, of Impermanence, in its up and downward spiral?

Who would really feel the silver taste of the red blood of Life and the black sacredness of Death in every breath?

We are the shining white that we are at last able to perceive because we were so broken that the only thing left to pierce us was light. And we opened our eyes, and our hearts, amd we saw, and received the Unknown.

Life lately speaks in great Duality.

And when I stay quiet and listen She whispers, “it is IN the truly knowing of Two, that the One IS”.

Sometimes, from the outside looking in, it may look like I am following my dream, doing what I “want”, travelling the world, never settling down… Adventure after adventure since I was born….

Some people tell me I am brave for doing so, and it might look like I am flowing in an ever peaceful existence.

The truth is, that isn’t so… I am not brave, I am certainly not always in peace, and I am not really following my “dream”, which (though it may surprise most of you) isn’t travelling and having adventures, but actually settling down near a fireplace and a wall full of books, reading, writing and studying looking out at a beautiful garden. That’s all I ever wanted.

But, I am going where life takes me, where I am meant to be, even if that “place” isn’t what I truly want, or “think” and “feel” I want… If you knew me, if you deeply knew me like I know myself, you would know, that the only real adventure I ever wanted to have was to be free. Free in my mind and heart so I could hear my soul singing. Free from myself first of all. From the “me” I think I am, so I can become, and at last “see”, the “me” I truly am.

On this journey to mySelf, I realise every bridge appears in the perfect moment, just when I was about to give up and jump… Every stone that males up the path appeared when I truly found a way to surrender to life, one step at a time. And that’s why I continue doing things, travelling, living a life that I never thought I would, that I never even dreamed of or thought possible, that I never thought I even wanted to, until the day the river takes me back Home to the great ocean of Being.