Category: Reflections

I’ve always wanted what I didn’t have. More information, more knowledge, more diplomas, more books, more experience… a future something I could only imagine. If I was cold, I wanted the heat. If I was moving, I wanted to settle. If I had a house, I wanted a boat. If I was at the beach, I wanted the mountains. If I was happy, I wanted suffering.

I’ve also always wanted what had already gone. A moment lost in the past. An idea of the past that from the present view felt so comforting and idealised. A longing so deep for a time that was, before, long ago. But never truly was, because at that moment, I wasn’t even there. I was lost in another time, in another space, made of fragments of broken images of where I thought I was. Of who I thought I was.

I couldn’t find a way to be present with what is without thinking about something to come, or something that was long gone. I’ve always had a sense of an unrealised longing waiting to burst forth just from my desire. And worse than that, I couldn’t accept that desire alone couldn’t instantly be fulfilled just by feeling it.

This state of being was eating away my life by not living it. I could only think life, imagine life, live an unreal, unlived life through the making of my mind, which many times I confused with my heart. But the voice of the soul is a relentless whisper that flows in an unstoppable course until the ocean of Being. And so one day, the river became a torrent so strong it overflowed, destroying even my sense of “I”.

It took me a very long time, more than a decade of conscious inner view to recognise this pattern of running away from myself, only to find my own reflection in everything I encountered. And it took me even longer, to recognise that my reflection wasn’t even mine at all, but the light of life itself shining forth through me, through everyone and everything that crossed my path. I was that reflection itself, nothing less, nothing more. An ordinary spark of light glistening through the waves of the great ocean of time.

Sailing the inner & outer seas as a practice of self-awareness is my life now. The stars and the winds guiding my path. Completely surrendering to what is, there is no use for control, even after planning, we need to let go and float away in the unknown. We create these ideas in our minds that we are the makers of our own reality, when reality is all there is, with or without us; change is there, spiraling inwards and outwards, concealing and revealing the mystery of what it is to be and feel alive. To live a life in constant movement and flow, uncomfort and cold nights too, with minimal material objects that normally hide what is under layers of confusion and learning to appreciate with deep gratitude the small pleasures like a hot shower when there is one, I can slowly start to see clearly what Is and always Was, and Who I am, and always will Be; nothing more than a reflection, a ripple of light in the waves of Life. Like the light of the moon that reflects the sun. The bridge between becoming and being….

Who am I?

The remembrance of a past time
or a time not yet awakened?

The centre of all sound is awareness.

Silence is the void through which Being becomes Time.

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I create small poems to remember intuitively philosophical concepts that are “easy” to grasp with the intellectual mind, but hard to digest in the body. The core reason of our practice if done honestly, is the remembrance of oneself, to BE oneself once we do. It is not only the journey of reinviting our wholeness into place from the split of our perception, but also to, once integrated, become who we are in the world. The heroe’s journey doesn’t end in the becoming adventure, but in the being in time-space once we have walked our paths Home.

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The previous poem speaks about the idea that one is always in the centre of sound once we hear it and are aware of it. In this centre all sounds are perceived. Who is the perceiver? The centre where sound unites cannot be silence itself, but awareness of silence and sound. What we perceive through our senses, is digested through the body-mind, like sounds, back to the centre. Silence is the space, the void, the medium where all passes. The centre is the Being. Being and void… and in the other side, Time as substance. Here and Now. Shakti is the face of Shiva.

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If you would like to explore these kinds of philosophies in 1:1 sessions online/in person, contact me. 💌

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Here a photo of my “yep, it’s that simple to grasp”! face… 😜😅🤣

There are no words that could possibly explain the rush of mixed emotions that are arising in me lately. It’s as if I could cry and laugh in the same exact moment. I am grounded and floating in the Unknown. I feel expansive and at the same time feel so lost, so stuck, I cannot breathe. I am, and I am not.

These moments remind me of liminal spaces. Liminal moments. The moments in-between. The space between the inhale and the exhale, between the exhale and the inhale. The space between a thought, and the next one. The space between dying and being born again. The space between the death of who we thought we were, and the realisation that we are never static, but change itself. The space between who we were, and who we are now.

I am swimming in this liminal void where laugh, or cry, or joy, or suffering, are nothing more but the waters of life overflowing from my heart, into the soul of the world. And the soul of the world sustains ME, change itself, in it’s chaotic order of beingness. In these primordial waters I drown and drown and drown…. and patiently accept the death that liberates another life.

There’s a drop of change hanging from the centre of my heart… a drop that no longer belongs to the abyss I plunged myself in, but to the breath I just came back up to take.

I feel the release, I feel the shift, I feel at last my body’s whispers with no need for screams.

Trusting all is moving me towards life, I surrender to it’s waters, to it’s depths, and also to it’s surface.

A drop becomes the ocean when, like now, I can feel my Soul as part of it.

I can at last Be, now that I know myself as the drop, the water, the ocean, and the movement itself.

•••

I have always been very intuitive and thought of it as a gift mostly, as a curse sometimes. There are many things we all know without words existing to explain them… and here is where my shift is coming through…

I don’t need to know anymore why I know what I know.

I am in peace in myself, in peace in my place, in my time, as part of it all.

At last, at last, at last… I am Home.

Thank you life for your darkness that showed me who I Am. Thank you life for your light that reminds me why.