Blog

  Photo of me and Shiva in Indonesia

Life has been such a rollercoaster lately…. And for the first time ever I feel I am actually learning the lesson of letting go of control. My life right now is being held by two very thin threads, two very different and opposite options are awaiting my final choice. Should I stay or should I go? My heart is telling me one thing, my brain another one. I have no control over the outcome and I am learning to live with the fear of the unknown. Life doesn’t work out the way we planned it… it always has some lesson hiding behind the shadow waiting to be revealed. And this is so necessary for growth, I know. It’s not the first time in my life that I work really hard for something just to lose it all…. I am not afraid of losing it all again, it’s not that…. It’s the fact that I do not know where to go from here, where I thought I was home. Another great illusion, because home really is where our heart is, not a physical place…. So right now I am sitting with all my fear, my anger, with betrayal and a broken heart, just breathing and trying to listen to the voice within me that always knows what to do…. I don’t know where I will be tomorrow, or where my life will take me from here, but I do know one thing and one thing only, wherever I am, I must be in peace with my decision, and for that to happen, I will always follow my heart no matter how much material things get lost in the way. Things are just things, but having a good and kind heart with no regrets is all I ever want.

  Photo by me in Indonesia

I’ve always had this obsession with textures. I love touching everything and feeling everything…. I guess I am learning to also feel everything in another level; emotionally, physically, spiritually, and trying not to run away from it…. Same as when I touch something with my fingertips, I touch the deeper layers of my self and feel them with curiosity and an open mind… At least I try… A lot of things have been happening in my life lately, and if I look back, this cycle has been going on for four years…. I feel somehow a need for closure of some kind, maybe the death of something in me… I feel I need it… Death is so necessary to make space and be reborn… Many mixed emotions and many thoughts just brewing in the inside. But soul knows. My soul knows I am not my passing emotions and my thoughts. I am eternal. We all are. The gap between me and “me” is growing each day…. I can see clearly sometimes, others I am blinded once again…. For now, I will continue with my textures, the ones within, and the ones without…

 Photo by me in Indonesia

Life is never perfect, even in the most perfect surroundings or amidst the most perfect circumstances. Maybe I must say, life is perfectly imperfect, orchestrated to give us what we need to learn in each stage, instead of what we want. Dreams do come true, but not without effort from our part. I might live in an idyllic island paradise, but I also have my everyday problems of trying to run a business here. And I stress, I get angry, I cry, and sometimes I ask myself if this wasn’t the greatest mistake of my life. Being here, far away from the people I love, for what? But then I just sit down and listen within, and I know deep inside things take time, and I know I am here for a reason; at least to learn where I want to be or not be in the future. Life is full of surprises. I’ve decided to let go and surrender. I will try to make this work, but if it doesn’t, I don’t only have one dream!

Photo by me in Indonesia

There are some days where everything just seems to go wrong and I dramatise my existence as a whole. It’s on days like these that I like to put my life in perspective. I sit in my mat, I move, I breathe, and I go deep, I ask myself; why does all of this bother me? Does it really seem so important? What is it that I truly want? What is it that makes me so angry about this? And in the midst of chaos, I get some kind of answer… What I truly want is connection. Connection within myself, and with the whole. What I want is to be available, open. What I want is to make a difference somehow for someone, especially for my family and friends and people that surround me. I want to help them grow and sustain themselves. I also want to save the Ocean and the Earth and help everyone. I just want to do so many contrary things that I feel divided. I don’t know how to deal with this right now… But I guess it’s ok to be lost sometimes… even though my ‘sometimes’ seems to be for many years now. Maybe being lost is my path. Maybe this is just the way things are meant to be for me. Maybe it’s all my choice and has always been. Maybe deep inside my only wish forever is to BE LOST. That way I can always have something to search for. I always ponder this idea, because it always comes back to me in deep meditation and in dreams. My true life passion has always been to search. I want to search and re-search and know everything. And because knowing is eternal, I always will be a searcher. Searching for what? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter as long as the search continues. This is my wish and my curse.

  Photo by me in Indonesia

‘The National’ plays in the background. Works being done around the house. The wind fiercely blowing through the palm trees. The waves breaking on the shore. Everything smells like storm. My soul is already full of thunder. Wildly drawing my destiny through the rivers of my body. Blood pumps, and I scratch and scratch the hundreds of bites that are dispersed around my vessel, my temple. The more I scratch, the more I learn the meaning of impermanence; as pleasure becomes pain, and pain, pleasure again. Aaah… this is life. The uncomfort just reminds me of what I think is ‘normal’… Nothing is normal! Nothing CAN be normal, as NOTHING lasts forever. But then, this eternal ever-changing, ever-evolving soul of ours, is FOREVER. How? How can it be forever if nothing is? Because it changes, it shifts and adapts. Its essence IS change. Its essence is LIFE. Its true essence is DEATH. Death is the true creator. The only way for change to come through and birth new life is by killing what no longer serves us. It must die. It must. If not, WE die. We would never learn. We would never grow. What’s Life then without Death? Nothing. Nothing can BE. Kissing Death as our lover. Loving Death as the bringer of new Life. For Life is dancing an eternal dance with Death, never to be separated. This is the lesson. This is what I must learn.